UCLA Journal 9

I started this entry a couple days ago but didn't finish it. When I tried to save it, it went to the big Internet in the sky. And, since I was having a few bad days, I didn't try again until now. It's 12:58 am Christmas morning so.... MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone.!!!!!

The last few days I feel I've lost ground. I've been having trouble breathing for over a week now. I'm taking treatments for it and it's gotten better. But I keep running out of breathe - even when I am just talk for awhile. If I'm laying down, it happens faster than if I'm sitting/standing up but it happens every time. And my ribs have been so sore it hurts to breathe. I haven't been able to do my walks to get stronger and better and, all in all, I'm feeling down and depressed a little because of it. Today, things did seem to get a little better.

My breathing, while still not normal, has gotten easier. I was taking treatments every four hours around the clock but I'm down to twice a day. And part of the pain in my ribs turns out to be the "corset" I wear to hook my controller to. You wear the thing 24/7. The controller probably weighs 1-2 pounds so the "corset" straps have to be tight around your middle. Now I know how Victorian women felt when they got laced up - but at least they took the things off at night! I've started taking the controller and corset off for a few hours a day. (I can't really take the controller off but do disconnect it from the corset and hold it in my lap.) It's made my ribs feel so much better.

Now the only discomfort I have is around my ribs is just below the sternum. There's a hard lump just below the skin there and it hurts to push on it. Heck, it just hurts period. I pointed it out to my nurse tonight while we were doing dressing change on my power cord and she had the nurse/practitioner come look at it. They went and looked at the x ray taken this morning and thinks it's my pump. I sure hope not because if it's part of what makes me short of breathe, I'll never get back on my feet the way I want/need to. I'll know more on this on Monday after I see my regular doctors.

They sent around flyer on my dinner tray tonight announcing that for lunch tomorrow we can order a prime rib dinner. It's not the ham I would like but, after 5 weeks here, the menu has gotten pretty dull and boring. They did the same thing at Thanksgiving but I didn't notice so had to do with broiled salmon. (I tell you, it's bad when your conversation turns to food on your blog.)

Weather permitting, Chris, the gal who cuts my hair, and her husband, Herman, are going to come visit me on Sunday. And she said she'll cut my hair while she's here. Now I want a BIG round of applause from all of you for Chris. 'Course those of you who know Chris know that's just the sort of thing she'd do. I can guantee it's going to lift MY spirits. I've stopped looking in the mirror and take everyones' "You're looking good" with a LARGE grain of salt. I do see myself whenever I wash my hands and "good" is just not the right word. I'm afraid if I were to go walking on the streets, little kids would hide from me. Oh well, maybe it's my INNER beauty they say is looking so good.

To all of you out there who have dropped a line/internet/phone call I just want to say "Thanks". It really perks up my day. I greatly appreciate your prayers too. I hope it won't be too long before I'm home - one way or the other. For the first two weeks following my surgery, I'm off the transplant list. I should go back on this friday if everything goes OK. I'll be at the "top" of the list for the first 30 days as a 1A then drop down to a 1B. I'll never go back to being a 2 again. I'll wear the pump until I get a new heart or pass on. So, all I want for Christmas is a new(er) heart. And I'd really like it if you'd all add that prayer to your list. I know God will provide the heart when it's the right time but I'm hoping a few more prayers might help make it "sooner".

It's almost 2 am. I guess I'd better get to sleep or Santa's not going to come see me this year. This is the latest I've stayed up in a week. Vicodin is a great sleep aid and it's making itself known. So I'll close this time with all my love to all of you. Have a WONDERFUL Christmas.

Jini